Friday, February 7, 2014

The Thought Of Goodbye

Tonight we will begin the ceremony of saying "goodbye" to Jonathan.  I do not know how I can say goodbye when I can't yet accept that he is gone.

When I woke up this morning I could not help but think about the events of tonight and tomorrow.  I dread them both.  But even more I dread them being over.  At least right now, I would rather endure this pain forever than face the prospect of seeing him for the last time on this earth.

There are five people in our family.  Each one unique.  Each one with his or her place.

But when we were all together Jonathan almost invariably set the tone.  He was at times the ringleader and other times the ring master.  His personality was too big to ignore.  If he was in a playful mood, the room became playful.  If he was in a combative mood, the room became combative.  And in those rare times when he was in a tender mood, the room became tender.

Pam and I believe with all our hearts that Jonathan is joyful and with the Lord, and accept fully that God's plan is better than the one we would have wanted for our boy.  But honestly, at this moment that does little to lessen the pain.







13 comments:

Anonymous said...

What an awesome picture of you and Jonathan! I can only imagine the pain you will go through in the next few days. I know that no earthy words can come close to describing it. Just know that we are with you in spirit and would do anything to help you ease the pain. You have been and will be in our prayers daily.
Patty

Amy Ensminger said...

I heard an old song today by Kathy Troccoli and thought of you, Pam, Christian and Dani; along with the Deans and another person we know that tragically lost her adult daughter last week. This song brought me great comfort years ago after having my second miscarriage and I was battling the thoughts that occupy your mind when you experience loss and grieve. Although our experiences are vastly different, I'm hopeful the song will still minister to you as it did for me then and today as well.

David and I love you both and will be with you in body and in prayer this weekend and are here to shore you up in what way you need or listen as you continue to share the memories and experiences of Jonathan.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8q_7iVQF0w
(I'm sorry, unfortunately, I couldn't find a copy (except the one on my Windows Player) that had it without a commercial.)

Love and Prayers,
Amy Ensminger

Anonymous said...

I can't even begin to imagine this pain you & your family are feeling. I cry for you every day & preay for you & your family every day. You have such beautiful things to say about Jonathan. I wish I could have known him. I will continue to pray for you, Pam & your children. God be with you,
Tamra Crosson

Anonymous said...

My husband lost a son many years ago, it is painful!!! Healing comes only from GOD. I pray for you and Pam in this moment. I am sure that is the worse pain in this planet. When I think of GOD give us his only SON to die for US.........Wow, that was a true statement, that HE gave us his BEST!
I know that Jonathan is in HEAVEN, I know that Heaven it is a BETTER PLACE. No words that I say here will comfort what you are suffering now. I only want you, Pam and your children know, that I care and I trust that GOD will be with you daily. It is ok to cry, it is ok to yell, it is ok to say that you are not ok, it is ok that you and I dont have answer for the why?We are human.....ONLY our powerful GOD knows the answer and he is in CONTROL!!!
Please give Pam a BIG hug for me!!!
Deise Da Silva

Chanda said...

Pastor John, Pam, Dani and Christian, I can't even imagine the pain this has caused you, but l know one thing is that God has you in his warm, loving comforting and capable hands. Knowing that you trust his perfect will even though you don't understand why this had to happen is a great step to your healing. I believe one day though it may seem far right now, you will stand and look back and say, God has really turned our pain for our Good. I pray for his presence to continue be strong to comfort you all at this time. Anthony and I are praying for you. We love you so much.

Chanda Katongo

Anonymous said...

Just beautifully written. You have written the truest words about these part of the process moments. Tears flow as I think of your precious family. May God give you a strength never known tonight and tomorrow and forever. The Harper Family

iva said...

Pastor John
I can't image the pain you are feeling right now. My prayers and thoughts are with you and Pam.

Anonymous said...

Beautifully said from the heart of a father...Love and prayers!

Anonymous said...

i just cant stop crying now.... i miss my kids but it is never fair for a parent to outlive their child... i am overwhelmed with how much you have my sympathy.... you might even have part of my soul right now i am so compassionate in my condolences to you and your family. My heart aches for you and my prayers are going to be with you. I ask God for his grace to comfort you during this time for your grief. Amen, Amy

Anonymous said...

There is nothing I can think of to say that will make this horrific ordeal you and your family are going through any better. I'm sorry seems grossly insulting. I didn't have the honor of knowing your son, but I do have the honor of knowing you. You, Pastor John, are the one person, who when I walk into Heartland Church and get seated, walks right up to me with a warm welcome and friendly hug. You make me feel like I matter and that I am where I belong. I hope YOU know, Pastor John, that you matter and that you are where you belong. I dont think it will ever make sense nor will the pain entirely go away, but I have to believe that it will get easier. I believe this because our God is always good, and will never give up more than we can handle. I hope that in those harder times you will allow us, your family and friends, to be there to serve you in whatever capacity you or your family needs. We love you. I am praying for God speed healing and peace for you and your family...may God wrap you all in Angel wings and cover you during this storm.

Marsha Newberry said...

John and Pam this pain you have endured this past week is more than any parent should have to bear. At least in our minds. God is ALL caring and ALL knowing. So we MUST Trust in Him because He Loves us all completely. Christian and Dani, I never had the privilege of having a sibling. Johnathan was surely a special brother and I know you will miss him. But you have had him for this precious part of your life. Just know that someday you will see him again to rejoice forever. As everyone in our Church family has said, I am so sorry for your loss. That is just simply not enough to help take away your pain. But I do hope that you know how much this family of God Loves you. I Love you and will do anything at all to help you. May God give you peace and comfort in the days to come and hold you in His arms close to His heart. My prayers are with you.
Marsha Newberry

Anonymous said...

I have tried to come up with something I can say to you, but sadly have realized there is nothing I can say at this time. I know that God is in control but even that doesn't ease the pain at this time. Please know that I have been with you in Spirit. I have cried every day and my prayers are with you and your family. May God give your peace and hold you close in His arms. We Love You!!
Joyce Waterfield

Anthony Katongo said...

My pastor and friend. What a picture of love, of father son and a precious family. Our prayers go to you, Pam, Christian and Dani. As you have rightly put it, God knows better, words cannot explain. Chanda and I ask the Comfort of Himself the Holy Spirit to comfort you all. Stay blessed.

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