Over the last few days as I have read the numerous texts, Facebook posts and other words of condolence, I find myself in that same state of contemplation, only to awaken suddenly again to realize that this time the parents are Pam and me. Most of the time it is simply a "bad dream from which I am longing to awaken."
There are, of course, the questions of how and why. There are the thoughts of this little thing or that little thing that could have changed the course of history, but did not.
And, there are the questions about what lies ahead. I know that I will not be -- I cannot be -- the same person I was three days ago. Pam and I are all too aware of the statistics for marriages that are tested by such tragedies. We are determined not to be a statistic. Indeed, we hope our family will be closer and stronger on the other end. But how that can happen is at this point a mystery.
God has taught me so much about loving others over the past few years, but I wonder whether -- not whether, but how the loss of my son will change who I have become. Will I become more sensitive to the pain of others, or will I be tempted to measure their circumstances against the horror of this time?
People say that some day Pam and I will be able to really minister to others from this place. While I am sure that is true, that day seems so far away.
Mostly, this time is a ping pong match between complete denial and utter despair. My mind drifts and then the elephant shifts his weight back onto my chest.
All I really know now is that I am so thankful that I know God and that I have the prayers and support of family and so many amazing friends. I do not see how we could make it through this without you. Pam, Christian, Dani and I are so thankful and grateful for each of you. I am sure Jonathan is too.
15 comments:
Pastor John,
My heart and prayers go to you and your family in this time of need. My family and I are praying every day for God to be with you in this time of need. Be assure he understand how you feel as a father. I pray that the love of God can provide and help in this time of need.
John, I am so thankful for the role you've played in my life so far. You are, by far, a wonderful father figure to me, and I can truly believe Jon was just as blessed. I know no words can console your heart and take away the pain and the hurt, I just want you to know your family is on my heart.
With Love,
Jennifer Rainey Faught
My thoughts and prayers are with your family. I don't know you, but have read many good things about you and your family. Your story/blog touched my heart. The Paster I had as a child/young adult lost two sons, this happened 30+ years ago, and still today makes me question my faith. Senseless loss. I'll keep your family in my thoughts.
Thanks for sharing your heart with us. Grieving is a long process that cannot be rushed, and your determination to build stronger bonds with your wife and family is a part of that grieving. There is no set amount of time and no set process in grieving, so be good to yourself and know that God will never leave you or forsake you or your family, even though sometimes you do not feel like He is there. Hugs and strength to you, my friends. Carol Marin
John, we both love you so much and are praying for you, Pam, Christian & Dani every day. We have also asked our "CIR Community" to do the same and they are responding in amazing ways. Because you both are a part of our family, our heart grieves and is broken with yours because when you bleed, we bleed; when you hurt, we hurt; when you rejoice, we rejoice. Please know that we are here for you to love on you, shore you up, help you, sit in silence with you or listen as you share you fondest memories of Jon with us. It is in allowing others to love you, along with your faith in God that you mentioned, that I believe you and Pam will never be a statistic.
And because we are who we are and do what we do...
I want to say something about that nasty marriage statistic. We've seen it go both ways in working with couples. The key difference is the strength in their faith and by them allowing others to support them, by asking for help when they need it -- either individually or as a couple. Although we make it a rule when we help couples not to fight harder for them than they are willing to fight for themselves, you guys are an exception to that rule because we are family AND in us doing that, it is part of the 'Trinity' you've been teaching us about in our Radical Group ... "Loving Others", (Loving God and Sharing our Testimony as well -- see I listen and it only took a year of drilling it in me!).
After you called us Monday, I began crying out to God in pain, anger and why's -- far less than I know you guys have been doing, but it seemed like the only thing to do at the moment. I also began COMMANDING Satan out of yours (and all the staff @ HC) lives, marriage, kids, family and ministry. Satan is a snake as you know and he knows exactly where to the slither in and attack us. Please know that we will continue to command Satan out of your lives, hearts and your ministry and pray for you all. Please also know as far as that nasty statistic goes...when you don't have the strength to fight Satan, we will ALWAYS be here for you and Pam to fight from the sidelines in prayer or standing with you right in the middle of the ring --- just as hard as we fought for ourselves so many years ago (and continue to bc Satan doesn't like what we do for the kingdom either!).
We love you both and are here for you,
Amy Ensminger
I can't imagine the heartache you all are experiencing. Words are inadequate at a time like this. Please know you and your family are being lifted up and will continue to be lifted up in the days and weeks ahead. We pray God's peace on you all. God Bless ~ Dana Pugh
John, I just learned of this news. We will be praying that the Lord be with you and your family. We are very sorry for you all. Kaye and Mike Keliher
Every statistic has two sides. Being part of the side that works together and stays together is the goal. With the personal integrity, faith and support all around you, it IS a possiblity.
John my heart goes out to you and your family. You don't know me. I know Kim.. Please know you and your family are in my prayers. I do not know your pain, I have had several friends that has loss a child and some their only child. I could see the pain an only been there for them
.As you know, God brings things to us, and with Faith and strength he will get you through this.. No, the pain never goes away, it's day by day..I pray you and your family can feel our prayers today and for many, many more days to come.. God Bless~~ Carolyn Cedars
Paula has left a new comment on your post "Broken Hearted":
. There are no words So so sorry. Praying for you! . My husband, Paul and I are 12 years out from losing our only child, a 16 year son. You express a lot of wisdom here in your blog about your feelings and your future. It took me several years to have the insight you already possess. You are so right-you will never be the same. You will likely begin to mark time in terms of "before he died and after." You may have days when the pain feels unbearable. (I miss our Aaron every single day of our lives.) But I can tell you from personal experience that Spring will come again and the Lord and time heals. You will not always feel the pain like you do today.
Paula,
Thank you so much for your very needed words. God bless you.
Pastor John words can not express how heavy my heart is for you and your family. you and the family are in our prayers. I just wanted to let you know you have made a difference in my life! You and your family matter! I pray peace that surpasses all understanding Fill you Pam and the kids. that God surround you with love love love like never before I stand with you! Love you Pastor
Don't lose faith Aly. God is with us, and is the only way we can get through this.
Pastor John,
Pam and yourself have already ministered to the grieving hearts of so many from your place of pain.
You are correct that tragedies such as you have experienced often lead to divorce but it will not in your case.
God, and your church family have wrapped their arms around you and are holding tight.
You are stronger than you think, and in the weak places Jesus Christ is even stronger.
May Jehoveh Jireh be your provision, and Jehoveh Shalom your peace.
In Jesus name~
Rhonda Sawyer
John and Pam,
My heart breaks for the pain I hope I never have. I can’t imagine and like you don’t want to be in that dream or nightmare. God does work in mysterious ways. Someday you will see Johnathon again face to face. No pain no hurts no regrets. I love you and miss you all.
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