Don't Look Back

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.  But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

                                                                      Philippians 3:12-14

Like anyone who has lived on this earth for any meaningful length of time I have made my share of mistakes -- and then some.  Despite those mistakes, though, I have never wanted to do it all over again.  To be honest, part of the reason I have not been interested in a "do-over" is that life is hard and I really don't have a desire to go through the hard times twice. 

The other reason is that on some level I have always ("always" meaning once I got old) realized that without the hard times and the mistakes I would not be where I am today, or who I am today.  God has the opportunity to use suffering, even when self-inflicted, to do something good in us -- if we are willing to learn.

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

                                                                                                       Romans 5:3-5


This past Saturday a good friend of mine lead our Saturday morning men's group in a discussion about the first Beatitude -- "Blessed are the poor in spirit."  Being "poor in spirit" is ultimately the recognition that there is no good thing we can really do apart from Jesus.  And, humility lies at the very heart of our ability to follow Jesus completely.  The fact is that for most of us discovering humility pretty much requires being crushed first by a very large rock!  Suffering ultimately produces character .. and hope.  For this reason, we should never despise, or even feel guilty about, either our past mistakes or our past suffering -- as long as we have learned from them and made amends along the way.

Still, one morning not too long ago I was thinking about these things, and for the first time in a very long time I did wish I could start again.  Not from the beginning mind you.  And not so I could avoid the mistakes, or the heartaches, the second time around.  I just wanted to start from the day that Jonathan was born.  I wished that Pam and I could relive every second from June 10, 1986 until February 2, 2014.

I wished I could take him home from the hospital again and give him his first bath.  I wished Pam and I could just sit still and marvel over his tiny fingers and toes, and how beautiful he was.  I wished I could teach him to ride a bicycle and take he and Christian out to play paintball.  I wished I could drive him to college for his move into the dorm, and talk to him about his first real job.  I wished I could tell him to stop spoiling Dani, and that there was no room in her closet for another pair of shoes! 

Look, I fully understand that God has and will continue to use this horrific tragedy for my good, as well as for the good of Pam, Christian, and Dani.  I realize it has tested and strengthened all of us.  And, I fully realize that Jonathan is in a better place.

But I still miss him so terribly much.  And, that is all I can think about today.