Wednesday, December 31, 2014


It probably comes as no great surprise that in most ways I would be happy to put 2014 behind me.  I have tried, I am sure in vain, from time to time to express the depth of the devastation 2014 brought to me and my family.  But honestly, no words are or ever will be adequate.

Unlike "ordinary" bad years, we cannot just put 2014 behind us.  Not now ... not ever.  I am sure the reasons for that are obvious.

At the same time, I am not particularly looking forward to 2015. Although I have largely come to the view that one day is the same as any other, and that January 1 is therefor nothing more than a date on a calendar, the greater the distance from February 2, 2014, the more the events of that day seem real ... and permanent.

That may seem odd, but denial is a powerful thing.  And, the loss of the ability to deny is extremely painful.  Denial, or at least avoidance, is necessary to survival.

The other reason I don't particularly look forward to 2015 is that for many people, including myself, a year seems like a reasonable time for mourning.  This, I know, comes from a variety of traditions, including aspects of Jewish tradition.  I have also had a number of people tell me that the first year is the hardest.

But, as the one year anniversary of Jonathan's death approaches I can already see that there will be no magic healing just because a year has passed.  Perhaps the ratio between tolerable and unbearable days will improve.  Maybe the valleys will not be quite as deep.  But I am not sure I see any possibility of material improvement.  Indeed, I am not sure I have the desire for material improvement.  I still find life, and particularly joy, to be incomprehensible without him.

I know this is not the typical upbeat New Years kinda of stuff.  But for me, my family, and many others in similar situations it is reality.

Having said all that, I would like to say "thank you" again to all those who have supported us and stood by us this year.  Your support and prayers continue to be greatly appreciated.

God has been good to us throughout, and I continue to count our family as blessed.  I thank God for walking with us.  I am grateful for His calling on my life, and DO look forward to seeing God at work in my life and in the lives of so many others in the days to come.


Anonymous said...

God has a way of working Miracles in our lives just when we are not looking for one. May you find Joy and Peace in 2015. Big Hugs. Marsha Newberry

Anonymous said...

I remember the day this picture was taken. It was at Sea World in San Diego. A big kid in the ball pit kept throwing balls at Jonathan's face, really hard, and didn't stop even after Jonathan was crying. I told him to stop, and he didn't. Before I even knew what I was doing, I was in the ball pit up to my waist in balls and pelting the kid with balls. I didn't realize what I was doing until I heard John yelling, "Pam. Pam! PAM! You can't do that!" I came to my senses, looked around, and thought, "WHAT am I doing?!" It is still so weird for me to think of because I really didn't give a thought to what I was doing. It just happened. I guess you really shouldn't mess with a Mama bear! <3

(That same day, he had hit his head on the turnstyle on the way into the park. On the way out, when we saw the turnstyles again, he said, "Head. Owie.")