The Four Of Us

From the day that Dani was born until the day that Jonathan went off to Baylor, it was a set of words we rarely put together.  And when we did use those words it was simply a mathematical description of how many of us happened to be at home at the moment.  It was an expression of convenience -- used when one of the kids was spending the night away or when one of the boys was off at college.

But, "the four of us" is now an inescapable expression.  Even worse is "all four of us."

As the days, weeks and months roll by, I suspect that from the outside all four of us seem to be coming to terms with the new reality.  And, at times I fall under the illusion that there is some truth to that.  Unfortunately, though, in many ways I think that the reality is actually just beginning to set in.  In many ways I think we are still battling denial.

The biggest difference between now and a month or two ago is that we no longer have the luxury of standing still.  Time ran out on us.  Life has to move forward.  We simply have no choice other than to return to the routine of life -- as difficult as that is some days.

It may seem odd, but even now -- almost six months into this awful journey -- I don't think that either Pam or I have ever questioned God's plan or been angry with Him.  Really, I think that our trust in Him -- our faith -- is all that has really gotten us through.

In fact, I have to say that if anything my desire to serve Him has grown.  I have become more and more convinced that the church -- at least the American church -- has settled for a watered down gospel and a watered down Christian life.  I am more and more convinced that the church is in decline because the counterfeit Christianity that pervades the American church is just not all that compelling.

Still, even in the midst of all of this I have great reason to hope.  Even in the small group of people that I am able to spend time with, I see God's hand at work.  I see people who are increasingly focused on bringing glory to God and in serving others, and who are far less concerned about themselves and their own circumstances than they once were.

I see people who increasingly understand that the purpose of life is to advance God's kingdom, and not to advance their own kingdoms.  I see people -- imperfect people -- who are really engaged in the daily struggle to follow Christ -- no matter where He leads them.

And, despite all that has happened, I thank God for letting me serve Him.  I thank God for letting me be a part of what He is doing on the earth.

I really don't know why God allowed this to happen, and I hope that one day we are able to make sense of it.  I pray that one day God will reveal all that needs to be revealed about that terrible night in February. 

What I do know is that we (and so many others) miss Jonathan terribly.