Year One

There were a couple of times last night, I have to admit, when I wondered in passing about the score -- or at least about which team was winning.  With all of the hype surrounding the Super Bowl, I expected it to be a pretty good game.  And, I even knew some of the story lines.  Avoiding awareness of it completely, after all, would have required living under a rock for the last couple of weeks.  But looking up the score on the internet, or God forbid turning on the television, was simply not an option.  For millions of Americans the Super Bowl is a great party and a great escape.  For me, it is a bitter reminder of our new reality.

A year ago today, not long after this game had ended, we got word that Jonathan was no longer with us.  The details of that night are still far too painful to recount in their entirety.  Maybe that will always be the case.  I can say that my first reaction to the news was shock and disbelief.  My second thought was that the information was just wrong.  I thought if I jumped in the car and raced to where he was Dad could still fix things.  There was still time for a miracle.  Even when the police officers told me I was too late I still didn't believe it.  I remember asking them three times if they were sure.  Three times I asked -- three times they gave me the same answer.  

Of all of the milestones of this year -- the birthdays, the holidays and other family events that will never be the same -- the passing of one year has been the most unbearable in many ways.  It is a difficult thing to completely understand or to rationally explain.  In part, I am sure, it is because the "anniversary" has made it almost impossible not to think about the details of that terrible night.  There are so many reminders.  So much is familiar -- the chill in the air, the football chatter ....

I also think that with the passing of a year my ability to pretend it didn't happen -- denial -- becomes that much more difficult.  Reality seems to be setting in.  And then there is this fear that with each passing day my memories of him become more faded -- more dependent on home movies and photographs than on actual recollections.

As a family, we continue to struggle to find our footing.  As of that February night, none of our kids had really left home.  None had gotten married, moved away (except for school) or really started their lives independent of the rest of us.  We were constantly together.  And, Pam and I were in no hurry to see that change -- although it was evident those kind of changes would soon be upon us.  But then, of course, everything changed.  Our perfect family of five became a broken family of four.

Having said that, I marvel at how Pam, Dani and Christian have made it through the last year.  Dani and Christian not only lost a brother that night, but he was also their best friend.  And Pam endured the worst thing that any woman can endure -- losing a child.  But, we continue to find our way -- painful step by painful step.

And, somehow, some way, God continues to bring healing, and even to use our pain to help and minister to others.

I hope that today our family, and the many others who knew and loved our son, will find a way to look beyond the tragedy that this day represents and remember the good times ... his huge smile, his unbridled excitement, his ridiculous sense of humor, his generosity and his overwhelming impact on all of our lives.

I was recently thinking of one night in particular when Pam's Dad ("Papa" to the kids) was in town and Jonathan wanted us all to go to an Italian restaurant he had found in Addison.  It turned out to be a very nice place -- one of these places with white table cloths and older gentlemen waiters.  It was also really pricey.  When "Papa" tried to get the bill, Jonathan had already taken care of it.  There was no way the kid should have been paying the bill -- honestly he really couldn't afford it.  But when Papa protested, Jonathan just said "Papa, you do so many nice things for all of us, I just really wanted to do this for you."

I have only seen Papa cry like that a couple of times in my life.






 

2015

It probably comes as no great surprise that in most ways I would be happy to put 2014 behind me.  I have tried, I am sure in vain, from time to time to express the depth of the devastation 2014 brought to me and my family.  But honestly, no words are or ever will be adequate.

Unlike "ordinary" bad years, we cannot just put 2014 behind us.  Not now ... not ever.  I am sure the reasons for that are obvious.

At the same time, I am not particularly looking forward to 2015. Although I have largely come to the view that one day is the same as any other, and that January 1 is therefor nothing more than a date on a calendar, the greater the distance from February 2, 2014, the more the events of that day seem real ... and permanent.

That may seem odd, but denial is a powerful thing.  And, the loss of the ability to deny is extremely painful.  Denial, or at least avoidance, is necessary to survival.

The other reason I don't particularly look forward to 2015 is that for many people, including myself, a year seems like a reasonable time for mourning.  This, I know, comes from a variety of traditions, including aspects of Jewish tradition.  I have also had a number of people tell me that the first year is the hardest.

But, as the one year anniversary of Jonathan's death approaches I can already see that there will be no magic healing just because a year has passed.  Perhaps the ratio between tolerable and unbearable days will improve.  Maybe the valleys will not be quite as deep.  But I am not sure I see any possibility of material improvement.  Indeed, I am not sure I have the desire for material improvement.  I still find life, and particularly joy, to be incomprehensible without him.

I know this is not the typical upbeat New Years kinda of stuff.  But for me, my family, and many others in similar situations it is reality.

Having said all that, I would like to say "thank you" again to all those who have supported us and stood by us this year.  Your support and prayers continue to be greatly appreciated.

God has been good to us throughout, and I continue to count our family as blessed.  I thank God for walking with us.  I am grateful for His calling on my life, and DO look forward to seeing God at work in my life and in the lives of so many others in the days to come.