Radical Continued

I know my posting on this blog has fallen off in recent months, and that when I have posted my writing has been dominated by thoughts about life after Jonathan's passing.  It is an inescapable fact that the events of that horrific February night will forever color my view of life, and my view of God for that matter. 

Our family continues in the struggle to find our footing in a new world that is so unlike the world we once knew.  The Bible tells us that we are foreigners and temporary visitors in this world (1 Peter 2:11-12) and never has that seemed more true.

I continue to find some solace in what I can only describe as God's manifest presence in my life.  I praise God for the work I see him doing in so many lives, including my own.

Yet, there is also an uneasiness apart from the tragedy of this year that I cannot seem to escape.  Part of that uneasiness comes, I am sure, simply from the fact that when God begins to move there is always resistance.

But it also comes from the reality that at times ministry can be discouraging.  There are times when I wonder whether anything that is happening is making a real difference.  Other times I feel like I am swimming upstream, trying to make headway against sometimes unexpected currents.

Personally, I am increasingly uneasy about my own failure to reach more people with the message of the gospel.  As my sense of the fragile and temporary nature of the life has become more vivid, my sense of the urgency to tell people about Jesus has also become more clear.

The other day I met my friend Bob for coffee at a local Starbucks where Bob frequently hangs out.  It was morning and the place was fairly busy. Bob seemed to know everyone who worked there by name.  Even more surprising, Bob seemed to know at least half of the people coming and going by name.

A number of people stopped by our table to say hello, and when each person left Bob would usually tell me a little bit about what was going on in that person's life.  Bob always had a smile and an encouraging word, despite the fact that Bob is going through some pretty difficult things in his own life.

I am sure that Bob likes Starbucks coffee. But, that is not why he hangs out there most days. Bob is there because he loves Jesus, and because he wants to give as many other people as he can the chance to love Jesus too.

Interestingly, yesterday morning our men's Bible study was all about our individual responsibility and the urgent need to share the gospel. I guess that means that I am not the only one feeling this uneasiness or spiritual discontentment right now. Thank you Lord.  We are listening, now help us to put your words in action.

¹⁶ Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. ¹⁷ When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. ¹⁸ Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. ¹⁹ Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, ²⁰ and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
                                                                                                       Matthew 28:16-20

The Four Of Us

From the day that Dani was born until the day that Jonathan went off to Baylor, it was a set of words we rarely put together.  And when we did use those words it was simply a mathematical description of how many of us happened to be at home at the moment.  It was an expression of convenience -- used when one of the kids was spending the night away or when one of the boys was off at college.

But, "the four of us" is now an inescapable expression.  Even worse is "all four of us."

As the days, weeks and months roll by, I suspect that from the outside all four of us seem to be coming to terms with the new reality.  And, at times I fall under the illusion that there is some truth to that.  Unfortunately, though, in many ways I think that the reality is actually just beginning to set in.  In many ways I think we are still battling denial.

The biggest difference between now and a month or two ago is that we no longer have the luxury of standing still.  Time ran out on us.  Life has to move forward.  We simply have no choice other than to return to the routine of life -- as difficult as that is some days.

It may seem odd, but even now -- almost six months into this awful journey -- I don't think that either Pam or I have ever questioned God's plan or been angry with Him.  Really, I think that our trust in Him -- our faith -- is all that has really gotten us through.

In fact, I have to say that if anything my desire to serve Him has grown.  I have become more and more convinced that the church -- at least the American church -- has settled for a watered down gospel and a watered down Christian life.  I am more and more convinced that the church is in decline because the counterfeit Christianity that pervades the American church is just not all that compelling.

Still, even in the midst of all of this I have great reason to hope.  Even in the small group of people that I am able to spend time with, I see God's hand at work.  I see people who are increasingly focused on bringing glory to God and in serving others, and who are far less concerned about themselves and their own circumstances than they once were.

I see people who increasingly understand that the purpose of life is to advance God's kingdom, and not to advance their own kingdoms.  I see people -- imperfect people -- who are really engaged in the daily struggle to follow Christ -- no matter where He leads them.

And, despite all that has happened, I thank God for letting me serve Him.  I thank God for letting me be a part of what He is doing on the earth.

I really don't know why God allowed this to happen, and I hope that one day we are able to make sense of it.  I pray that one day God will reveal all that needs to be revealed about that terrible night in February. 

What I do know is that we (and so many others) miss Jonathan terribly.