Donuts and Garland

Earlier this week Pam, Christian and I drove to the Concentra clinic in Garland where Jonathan served as the Center Operations Director.  Pam had looked at Jonathan's debit card statements and found where he regularly bought donuts for his co-workers, and we thought we would make a surprise visit.

We went to the donut shop first, and were greeted by a kind Asian women.  Pam asked the woman if she remembered a tall young man coming in to buy donuts for his office down the street, and the woman asked Pam if the young man she was referring to looked like Christian.  Pam said yes, and the woman smiled and nodded affirmatively.

Pam explained that we also wanted to buy donuts for Jonathan's office, but that we did not know what he normally bought.  The woman explained that she did not have enough of what he normally bought left, but  she offered up a reasonable substitute.  As the woman began to load a few boxes with kolaches and donuts, you could see from her expression that that she was beginning to contemplate why we were there.

After a few minutes the woman mustered the courage to speak the question that had been tumbling in her mind, and she asked simply "is he okay?"  After a moment of awkward silence, Pam responded "no," and that our son had "passed away."   The women's English was somewhat limited, and a puzzled look appeared on her face.  She said she did not understand, and again Pam said that Jonathan "passed away."  Still unsure of the meaning of the words, she said again that she did not understand, and I said the words that my wife had hoped could be avoided -- that Jonathan was dead.

A pained expression appeared on the woman's face, and Pam and I began to cry.  The woman had already tallied our bill, but grabbed another box which she also filled with donuts.  She then gave us our credit card back, refusing to accept any payment from us.

I had noticed when we walked into the donut shop that there was a Cross on the counter, and as we were leaving the woman who was helping us asked if Jonathan was Christian.  I answered that he was, and she said "he is in heaven then."  God does indeed reveal Himself in the most unexpected places.

We then drove a block away to the the Concentra clinic.  As we walked in we were immediately recognized, and several people on the staff there began to cry.  We had wanted to visit earlier, and they too, we discovered, where hoping we would come by -- they were hoping to maintain a connection with Jonathan.

The time we spent at the clinic was impossibly bitter-sweet.  It was incredible to hear again how important Jonathan had been in the lives of virtually every person in the clinic.  It was incredible to hear again the many acts of kindness our son had shown others.

Pam and I had only been to the clinic once --  on a Saturday shortly after Jonathan started working there.  He had been so proud to show us around the place, including his office.  But no one was there that Saturday, and now we were able to get a better sense of what his days there must have been like.

In my last blog I recounted the story of Jonathan telling me about his interview at Concentra.  (see A Vapor).  Pam, Christian and I were now standing in the very place where that interview took place, with two of the people who had been involved in the interview.  It turned out that the moment he feared may have cost him the job in fact was actually a "deal sealer" -- not a deal breaker -- for at least one of the ladies conducting the interview.

There are many more stories I could tell from that day, and perhaps I will be able to at some point.  But the words that really stuck with me came from the physical therapist, who obviously had been very close to our son.  She said she had been asking God "why?"  And then she said that it was as if God had sent them an angel, but only for a year.

Pam and I are so grateful to all of the people at Concentra Garland for their time, their remembrances and, of course, most of all for their love of our son.  We will be back.  I promise.

I wish that I could find the words to convey the variety and depth of emotion that I experience each day.  Perhaps some day those words could help another parent in our circumstance in some way.  What I can say is that despite the many people who are praying for us and supporting us, I often feel alone.  I wish my father was here to help me through this time.  I wish that Jonathan could tell me all about his new life.

The other thing I know is that as difficult as this journey is, it would be impossible without faith in Christ and without the support of an incredible church family.

God bless.  If you could continue to pray for our family it would be greatly appreciated.

The Broken Disciple

Today, sometime in the early morning hours, I had a dream.  I do not remember dreams very often, but I do remember the one from today vividly.

I was looking at the website for the Guerrero Dean Funeral Home, and specifically at the "Tribute Wall" for Jonathan.  I was concerned that there was a thirty day time limit for tribute walls on the site, and was trying to figure out how to copy all of the kind comments people have made over the last month about our son.

Suddenly, though, nervous energy shot through my entire body and the dream abruptly ended as I sat up in bed.  We, I think, have all had these kinds of experiences.  They usually come when we wake up concerned that we overslept and are late for an appointment, or when we suddenly wonder whether we sent out the critical email the day before or maybe we were concerned that we may have forgotten to send in our tax return on time.  You all know the feeling.

This time, though, the thought that sent the jolt of electricity running through my body was that this dream was birthed in reality -- Jonathan really was gone and the web site I was dreaming about really exists.  

I know that few people can appreciate the pain of losing a child.  It is certainly not an experience I would wish on anyone.

When my father passed away a couple of years ago I of course grieved for my loss.  I continue to think of him often, and particularly wish that he were here now to help me through this time.  But the loss of our son is radically different.  It is impossible to accept, and at the same time consumes almost every waking thought. 

Although it has been a month now, there are still times when I feel like my entire body is going to explode.  I want to scream, or maybe just run away as far and as fast as I can.  I feel frustrated and helpless.  Other times I just feel immense sorrow and grief.

In fact, just now the doorbell rang and my heart sank, as I knew it was the people coming to take back Jonathan's car.  I had spent a day with Jonathan last summer looking at used cars, and Pam another day looking at new ones.  Ultimately, Jonathan and Pam reached the conclusion that he could afford a new car.  I can remember me and Dani dropping the two of them off to pick it up -- Pam wanted to be there with him when he filled out the paperwork.

But now, all that Pam, Dani and I could do was watch out the front window of the house as the finance people drove the car away.  As Pam recalled the experience of shopping with Jonathan for that car, she began to cry.        

Despite my current emotional state my zeal for people to know Christ and, even more, to become more like Him in character, remains undaunted.  Indeed, it has never been stronger.  The problem is that discipleship is less about teaching through words and more about teaching through actions.  It is about living out God's heart -- which is a life of sacrifice and service to others.  And so, the question becomes how I can be focused on loving others when I am so all-consumed by the loss of our son.  

I have felt for some time now that God has been drawing me back to a basic truth about what it means to be a disciple of Christ.  I neither contend nor pretend that this idea is either new nor novel.  Rather, it is fundamental and basic.  Yet, it is an idea that seems, if not foreign to the modern church, at least lost in the heap what the modern church has become.  

The idea is simply this:  Discipleship means having three basic priorities life -- to love God with all we are, to love others with the infinite love of Christ, and to advance the gospel.  It is these priorities that should drive us in all of our human interactions.  I believe with all my heart that the struggle to pursue these priorities reflects the essence of the Christian walk -- it is the desire of the heart to be like Him in character.

Like faith, hope and love, these priorities remain when all of the clutter of church is swept away.  See 1 Corinthians 13:13.  When we get passed the production, politics and complexities of church, and focus on what it really means to be a disciple of Jesus, these three priorities may be all that really matters in life.

 1.  Put God First.

³⁷ Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ ³⁸ This is the first and greatest commandment. 

                                                                                                                                     Matthew 22:37-38.

I know, I know ... pretty obvious.  The greatest commandment, after all, is to love the Lord God with all of our heart, allof our mind, all of our soul and all of our strength.  Luke 10:25-28; Matthew 22:36-37.  In fact, at the end of the day I would argue that there is only one priority -- and this is it.  The other two priorities I will talk about flow from the first.  In fact, I believe that God gave us these other two priorities so that we could understand better what it actually means to love Him.


2.  Love People.


³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ ⁴⁰ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” 

                                                                                                                                    Matthew 22:39-40.

From this scripture alone it should be fairly obvious that "love" is extremely important to God.  In fact, the Bible is crystal clear that if you do not love others you do not love God.  It is just that simple.  If you have never really studied 1 John 4:7-21, you might want to.


⁷ Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. ⁸ Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. ⁹ This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. ¹⁰ This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. ¹¹ Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. ¹² No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

¹³ This is how we know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit. ¹⁴ And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. ¹⁵ If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. ¹⁶ And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. ¹⁷ This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. ¹⁸ There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

¹⁹ We love because he first loved us. ²⁰ Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. ²¹ And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.  

                                                                                                                     1 John 4:7-21

 If we cannot love God without loving others, it necessarily follows that it is extremely important that we understand what God means by "love."  When I was reading through my "Application Study Bible" some time ago I was struck by a footnote that said: "Real love is an action, not a feeling."  As I began to research what Bible scholars and pastors had to say on this subject, I found that some agreed with that statement, but that others did not.  In fact, while I found these same scholars and pastors struggling to dissect and understand the exact meaning of the two Greek words for love commonly used in the Bible -- "agape" and "phileo" -- I found little consensus on an exact definition for Christian love.

To me, the Bible could not be more clear in its instruction that true love is both a feeling and an action.  For that matter, true love is an attitude.  What I am suggesting is that the Holy Spirit seeks to instill in us an emotional desire -- a desire at the heart level -- to serve others; to see others succeed and grow even when there is no benefit to ourselves.  How do I reach the conclusion that real Christian love is both feelings (or emotions) and actions?  Again, because the Bible tells me so.

I could point to various places in the Bible to support this point, but for now let's just look at Romans 12.  First, we are told that our love must be "sincere" or "genuine".  And, to me, actions are actions -- they are neither sincere nor insincere.  The same verses tell me that I am to rejoice with those who rejoice and to mourn with those who mourn.  And, I just don't see how you can either rejoice with someone or mourn with them without feelings!    

⁹ Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰ Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. ¹¹ Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. ¹² Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ¹³ Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
¹⁴ Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵ Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. ¹⁶ Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.  

                                                                                          Romans 12:9-16 

This is not to say that there are not times when we have to love despite our emotions or feelings, and not because of them.  Let's face it, there are certain people who are just not that lovable.  And, there are times and circumstances that make it hard to love people on a heart level.

But I do believe with all of my heart that God makes it possible for us to have a general love for people -- a heart level kind of love for others.  I think that idea scares some pastors and scholars because emotional love is fickle and inconsistent.  And that is certainly true.

I also think, though, that love is a lot like faith.  Love is like faith first because both are fickle and inconsistent.  For most of us, our faith is challenged on a regular basis.  We have days when we feel like our faith can move mountains, and we have days when our faith is really tested.  But, if we work at it, in time our faith gets stronger and stronger.  I think our ability to love our neighbors as ourselves works the same way.  

Second, you have heard it said that "faith without works is dead."  Again, I think that love works the same way.  Sometimes love starts with feelings or emotions.  We may feel a sting in our heart when we encounter someone who is hurting, broken or in great need.  The question is "what do we do from there?"  Like faith, love does not mean very much if there is no action to go along with the feeling.  Love without action is, indeed, dead.

There is so much more to be said about love.  We are really just scratching the surface.  But let me end with this.  I really think that love -- or more accurately the absence of love -- is at the heart of the decline in church attendance in the United States.  I just don't think that buildings full of people who are just trying to do the right things, as noble as that might be, are very compelling.  But sincere love -- real caring, a genuine desire to share both your joys and your heartaches ... well, I think that kind of love can move mountains.
         
We are called to radically love others.  And, this desire to love must guide our thoughts, priorities and actions.

3.  Advance the Gospel.

We obviously live in a culture that puts an emphasis on individual happiness, individual fulfillment and individual rights.  Unfortunately for us, the Bible does not place the same kind of emphasis on these priorities.  For one thing, loving others means putting their interests ahead of our own.  See Philippians 2:3-4 ("³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.").

More to the point, true discipleship means putting our testimony -- putting the Gospel -- ahead of our own interests as well.  And, this can be a very difficult thing to do.

If you read through chapter nine of Paul's first letter to the Corinthians, you will find a discussion which sounds like Paul whining about the fact that he is not treated equally with the other apostles or the Lord's brothers.  It seems that the others were taken care of financially by the early church, and were even permitted to take their believing wives on missionary trips.  But, Paul and Barnabas are treated differently -- they had to have day jobs to support themselves.

Paul skillfully presents the argument that he too as an apostle has the "right" to be taken care of financially.  But, he then changes course, and offers this insight into his heart and priorities:  "¹² If others have this right of support from you, shouldn’t we have it all the more? But we did not use this right. On the contrary, we put up with anything rather than hinder the gospel of Christ." 1 Corinthians 9:12.  You see, Paul was far more concerned about the integrity of his testimony than he was about his rights.  If he had to preach for free so that the church in Corinth would know that his motives were pure, then that was a sacrifice he was more than willing to make.  He would "put up with anything" to advance the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

You see, being a true disciple of Christ often means giving up our rights, our comfort and our own worldly priorities in order to preserve our testimony and/or advance the Gospel.  It means, as Paul said, becoming all things to all people.  It means, at times, refraining from doing things we ourselves may think to be perfectly appropriate so as not to offend a brother -- or even better, a non-believer.  It means that sometimes we need to refrain from showing anger -- although we might have every right to be angry in a particular circumstance.  

¹⁹ Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. ²⁰ To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. ²¹ To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law. ²² To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some. ²³ I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.  

                                                                                             1 Corinthians 9:19-23.


 Interestingly, when these three priorities really begin to guide our lives our perspective begins to change dramatically.  We are offended less easily -- because we are less concerned about our own feelings than we are about what God is doing through us.  We are less worried about the things that all people struggle with in life -- because we are more concerned about the eternal implications of our actions than our current comfort.  We are less concerned about our "rights" -- because we are more concerned about the Gospel.  Our priority is to see as many as possible come to know Jesus -- regardless of personal cost.

I believe in these basic biblical principles with all of my heart.  My question is how to continue to live them out as best I can when my heart is so thoroughly broken?