The "D" Word

Forgive me if this is a little disjointed today.  But, that is just a reflection of where I have been the last two days.

Two nights ago several of Jonathan's good friends, Tommy, Emily, Jacob, Andrew and Katelyn, showed us an incredible kindness by coming to the house for dinner.  It was great to hear them all speak fondly of their memories of time spent with our son.  Most of the stories we had heard before, but a few were new to us -- at least to me and Pam.  At one time or another each of these young people has been a regular part of our lives, and having them all in the house felt familiar -- comfortable.

That day had been oddly peaceful -- or at least I felt more numb than in other recent days.  In fact, at one point I even felt a little guilty that my pain was not greater.  That is not a mistake I will make again, as the time since that night has been mostly agonizing.

The lone exception was last night when I returned to the church to teach for the first time since the horror of that Sunday.  It is amazing, but every time I have been to the church since then has been a time of unbelievable peace.  I am so grateful for my Wednesday night friends, and appreciate the grace they extended for what must have been a somewhat disorganized teaching.

Wednesday nights are about stripping the gospel bare -- bringing the message of Jesus back to its essence. It is about heart change that leads to following Jesus blindly.  It is about learning to live a life that is focused on bringing glory to God, loving others and advancing the gospel.  It is about learning to be selfless and loving even in the face of adversity and our own struggles in life.  It is about being the salt and light that God calls us to be regardless of our circumstances.

Over this last week I have marveled at how my wife exemplifies the qualities of a true disciple of Christ.  Not once has she been angry at God for allowing this to happen.  Indeed, she is convinced that God's plan for Jonathan was better than ours, and she has repeatedly expressed her gratitude that God allowed us to be the parents of such a wonderful young man for twenty-seven years, seven months, and twenty-two days.

In the midst of the worst horror I can imagine, she has reminded me time and time again that through our trial and agony other people can come to see the value of an authentic relationship with Christ, the hope and peace that can only come from God, and the incredible blessing of being part of a loving and supportive church community.  It is her great hope that God will yet use Jonathan's life to draw many people to an eternity with Jesus.  She really is pretty amazing.



"The path of discipleship is narrow, and it is fatally easy to miss one's way and stray from the path, even after years of discipleship.  And it is hard to find.  On either side of the path deep chasms yawn.  To be called to a life of extraordinary quality, to live up to it, and yet be unconscious of it is indeed a narrow way.  To confess and testify to the truth of Jesus, and at the same time to love the enemies of that truth, his enemies and ours, and to love them with the infinite love of Jesus Christ, is indeed a narrow way.  To believe the promise of Jesus that his followers shall possess the earth, and at the same time to face our enemies unarmed and defenseless, preferring to incur injustice rather than do wrong ourselves, is indeed a narrow way.  To see the weakness and wrong in others, and at the same time refrain from judging them; to deliver the gospel message without casting pearls before swine, is indeed the narrow way.  The way is unutterably hard, and at every moment we are in danger of straying from it.  If we regard this way as one we follow in obedience to an external command, if we are afraid of ourselves all the time, it is indeed an impossible way.  But if we behold Jesus Christ going on before step by step, we shall not go astray.  But if we worry about the dangers that beset us, if we gaze at the road instead of at him who goes before, we are already straying from the path.  For he himself is the way, the narrow way and the straight gate.  He, and he alone, is our journey's end."

                                                                                              Dietrich Bonhoeffer
                                                                                          "The Cost of Discipleship"





  

The Journey Begins

It has now been over a week since we first heard the terrible news of Jonathan's passing.  Most of the family has gone.  The frenzy to prepare for his funeral and the noise of a house crowded with people are behind us.  The "ceremony" of his passing is over.  What remains is stillness and quiet.

I cannot yet accept that my son is no longer here, though admittedly it seems less and less like a dream.  The beautiful flowers that crowd the kitchen, the copies of the program from the service resting on the kitchen table and the few pictures that have not yet been returned to their proper place all stand in sharp conflict with my unwillingness to accept this new reality.  Even as I type this note, the weight of his watch fastened to my wrist serves as a constant reminder that he is in fact no longer with us.

Today has been particularly difficult, although every day brings a new and unique flavor of heartache and despair.  I think that is so because each day so far has been its own milestone, and as each milestone passes the finality of our loss becomes more and more real.

For a week Jonathan has remained alive, if only in the hearts and thoughts of hundreds if not thousands of people -- his presence has surrounded us like a heavy mist.  But today most have gone back to their ordinary lives -- focused again on their own families, careers and daily tasks, and Jonathan's memory has, I fear, already begun to dissipate.  Even this blog, I am afraid, may be just part of a futile effort to keep him with us just a little bit longer.  Yet, in the midst of all of this there have been moments of incredible peace.

Last Wednesday night I went to church to drop in on the class that I normally facilitate each week.  I walked into the sanctuary to find this wonderful group of people, whom I have grown to love so much, praying and worshiping the Lord.  As I stood in the doorway just watching them that "peace of God that transcends all understanding" fell over me -- even if only for a brief time.  Philippians 4:7.  I could have stood in that doorway for hours, as the burden of that week was lifted completely off of my shoulders.

Then on Sunday, Pam made the decision to attend the 11:00 a.m. service.  We, I think naturally, had reservations about returning to church just a day after the funeral service.  Our plan was to get in and out as quickly as possible, as we were exhausted from a late Friday night and a very long Saturday.

At the end of the service Pastor Dan unexpectedly called us up for prayer.  Although I greatly appreciated the sentiment, I also feared my wife's reaction.  Pam neither needs nor wants to be the center of attention, and for the previous two days she had been just that.  She also loves to give, but to be honest has trouble receiving sometimes -- as I suppose many of us do.

But as our church family surrounded us, unencumbered by the formality of the previous two days, we felt both the peaceful presence of the Holy Spirit and the limitless love of our incredible Heartland family.  Just as the pain of losing a child is indescribable, so is the comfort that comes from the love of a body of believers who have taken to heart the calling of scripture to "rejoice with those who rejoice" and "mourn with those who mourn."  Romans 12:15.  These are hallmarks of those who have the true love of Christ in them.

Then, as people were coming by in the front of the sanctuary and just loving us, a beautiful young lady
came forward with the courage to tell me of a dream she had.  And this is what she said:

"I would like to share with you about a dream that I had on Thursday night. You and some other people from Heartland were in a little room, including my family. You were standing on a small stage and you were talking and preaching to us about your son and how you will get through this. Every one was crying and hugging and praying. Then I saw a spirit and I couldn't see the face but I knew it was your son -- he was standing behind you praising God. I could feel God's amazing presence too and he told me that every thing will be alright and that you guys will get through this."

Today, as I said, has been an incredibly difficult day. But tomorrow will be a new one. So, Pam, Christian, Dani and I will cling to the hope that is in Christ, we will draw on the power of the Holy Spirit, we will stand together, and we will gratefully accept the love of our friends and family. We will rejoice that our son is full of joy in the presence of God, and we ourselves, I am convinced, will not only survive this, but one day we will see "that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."

Romans 8:18.

Thank you again my friends for your prayers and your love.

John

⁹ Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰ Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. ¹¹ Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. ¹² Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ¹³ Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
¹⁴ Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵ Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
                                                                          Romans 12:9-15