Despair

On Monday Pam and I dropped Christian and Tommy off at the airport as they began their journey to India.  We would have been concerned parents anyway, but given recent events our worry for their safety was off the charts.  Still, we are grateful to Tommy for including Christian in this adventure, and know it is a great opportunity in so many ways.  But the other side of the coin is that the house is quiet.

When the kids were growing up Pam and I always assumed that Jonathan would be forever the adventurer and that Christian would stay close to home.  But during their college and post-college years it became clear that just the opposite was true.  Christian was our adventurer.  Jonathan liked to travel -- but he loved being home.

I know that people are mobile these days, and that kids frequently move away -- even out of state.  But I hate the idea of it.  Frankly, I think the loss of family intimacy caused by a mobile society is at the root of many of our social problems.  It is why so many of our elderly are lonely and so poorly cared for.  

To be honest, the thought of Christian living away from us broke my heart.  He is such a great young man.  But Jonathan being close at least made the thought tolerable.  At least I would have one son nearby.  

Of course, at the end of the day Pam and I want Christian to pursue his dreams.  And, we will encourage him to do just that.  At the same time, it wouldn't bother me a bit if he met a nice Texas girl who he could not live without!!

In any event, it has been an emotional week -- as every week has been since the first Sunday in February.  And, I don't see that changing any time soon.

That said, for some reason I have felt compelled all day to express as best I can some of the various feelings and emotions that I have been experiencing the over the last several weeks.  I have to say at the outset that I am not sure why.  While I am sure that everyone who experiences the loss of a child shares some common emotions, I also think that no two people can have the same experience.  Even Pam and I are in very different places much of the time.  

Nevertheless, I guess it is my hope that someday someone who has suffered a horrendous loss will read this and know at least that they are not alone.  Maybe they will at least see that there are others who understand their grieving, and others who have survived.

So, in no particular order, here we go.

ALONE

I am a pastor in a mid-sized church.  The support we have gotten from our family, friends and church family has been nothing short of amazing.  There are plenty of people who are willing to spend time with us and to help us in any way they can.  It is an incredible blessing, and a really good reason for you to consider becoming part of a church community of you are not already.

Still, in the midst of all these people and all this support much of the time I still feel incredibly alone.  Pam and I certainly can be a comfort to one another, and we pray together more than we ever have before.  But she is his mother, and I his father.  It may seem odd if you have never experienced this kind of loss, but we do not, and cannot, fully understand each other's pain.  Although I think Jonathan is constantly on both of our minds, we focus on different things.    

When I get into the car to go to work each morning, and again when I return home, I pick up my cell phone and think about someone I might call who could help.  Anyone who might have the right words to bring a little peace into my life.  But, no one ever comes to mind.  There is no one.

The only two people who I think might have the right words are my father and Jonathan.  But they are both with God.  I am convinced that they have all the answers -- the problem is that when I speak to them neither answers back.

FRUSTRATED

If you were at Jonathan's memorial service or you have been reading this blog you might have the wrong impression of Jonathan.  He was all the things that have been said and written about about him, but he was also human and imperfect.  He had his victories and his defeats just like anyone else.  He had his flaws and weaknesses just like anyone else.

But, whatever ups and downs Jonathan had in his life none were insurmountable.  Either he could solve the problem himself or Pam and I could help him through it.  If he cut his knee as a little boy Pam could put a band aid on it, give it a kiss and everything was alright.  More recently, if he got stressed at work or needed financial advice or even help we could work our way through it together.

Although I am not sure Pam and I discussed it directly at the time, during the last several months before he left us we both were thinking to ourselves that he had gotten to the point where we really didn't have to worry too much about him any more.  It was time to focus our attention on the other two.  He had a great job and a great life.

And then this.  It was the first time that I had no ability to intercede -- no ability to fix the problem.  And there are times when I am just plain overcome by feelings of helplessness and frustration.  I am his father, and fathers are supposed to be able to fix everything!

ANGRY

Anger is, at least in my case, a close cousin of frustration.  There are times when the feeling of helplessness leads me to a place where I want to scream or, better yet, break something.  So many times I have wanted to pound the steering wheel or punch a hole in the wall.

Most of the time my anger has no particular object.  There is no particular person, thing or organization that I desire to be the recipient of my wrath.  I have never been angry with God -- nor has Pam.

Jonathan's death was preventable, and there are times when I, oddly enough, find myself angry at him for not taking the proper precautions.  If he could have anticipated this outcome, and if he could have comprehended the horrific suffering that would result for his family and friends, I am sure he would have been more careful.  

But again, most of the time my anger is undirected.  It is raw emotion with no one and nowhere to vent it.

ANGUISH

By far, my most common emotion is simply anguish.  I can define it for you easily enough.  Anguish is defined as "severe mental or physical pain or suffering."  Synonyms include agony, pain, torment, suffering, distress, angst, heartache, desolation and despair."

I can define it, but I cannot explain it.  I cannot help you to understand what it feels like or to experience it.  It comes in waves.  It comes when it wants -- when you least expect it and when it is inconvenient.  It may be triggered by a place, a song or a picture, or it may just come -- seemingly without reason.

From what I am reading, the anguish will likely never go away.  The waves may come less frequently, but come they will.  And that is an exceedingly unpleasant thought.  

Now, I know that some of you are wondering how someone who has the hope of Christ can have such a negative outlook.  Well, the answer to that is that I don't.  I believe with all of my heart that God is going to bring healing to me and to my family.  I believe with all my heart that my passion for serving God will continue to grow and that He will use this tragedy for our good.  I believe that we will all find joy again.

But my feelings now are real and, more importantly, they are normal.  I get that at some point I need to move forward and return as best I can to the world of the living.  But honestly, the timing of that is in God's hands.  I just don't have the inner strength to get there on my own. 

The Box

After the first forty-five days it seems we have fallen into a familiar pattern.  It is a pattern of unpredictability.

Yesterday morning was the first morning in over a month and a half that I woke up feeling joyful.  As I laid there in the moment contemplating whatever pleasant thought I had awakened to,  I found myself surprised by the way I was feeling.   But, I knew that it could not last.  In fact, I have found that most "good" days (by which I really mean "tolerable") are followed by rather horrific ones.

A couple of nights earlier I saw Jonathan's door open, and found I Pam inside beginning the process of cleaning his room out.  Jonathan had only taken the essentials to his new apartment, and his room was still full of things.  Some of those things had lingered far longer than they should have, and now were destined for donation somewhere or even the trash.  But mixed in were a number of possessions that carried special meaning and value to him.

As I pawed through his closet, I came across a wooden box I had made in junior high school.  The top of the box was decorated with mementos from my days in Boy Scouts, including a souvenir from the 1973 Jamboree.  Once upon a time that box held some of my own boyhood treasures.  But somewhere along the way Jonathan had decided that he liked the box and asked if he could have it.  I was glad he wanted it, and happy to give it to him.

As I opened the lid I discovered that the box now held Jonathan's boyhood treasures.  I doubt there was anything in the box with any intrinsic value, but clearly everything in it had some special significance to him. Among his treasures was a necklace his "Papa" had bought in Africa, a souvenir coin from Stonehenge he had gotten on a family trip a long time ago, two ribbons he had been awarded from some type of musical performance, and an Oscar Meyer Wennie Whistle that came from who knows where.

And then there was the watch.  It was, I am sure, relatively inexpensive -- a Seiko with a gold exterior and black lizard band.  But it was a watch I had worn for many years (I believe during and after law school) and which he had worn too.  As he grew older and his taste in watches changed, he stopped wearing it.  But apparently it was sufficiently important to him to make it inside the box.

As I thought back to the origin and significance of each of the treasures, as I thought back to the times and places that each represented, my stomach turned.  I began to gag violently, and I ran out of the room fearing that I was about to be sick.

This is, at least for now, the new normal.  We talk about Jonathan frequently, we celebrate his life and we thank God for the time He gave us with him.  But it is impossible to think of Jonathan without contemplating the magnitude of our loss.  The pain of losing him is so vastly different from anything I have experienced in my life.  I pray Pam, Christian, Dani and myself never have to endure this type of pain again.

In the next few days Christian and our "adopted" son Tommy will be leaving for India for about ten weeks.  We really want the boys to move forward with their lives, and hope this adventure will be a nice diversion and change from the pain of the last month and a half.  But, that does not mean that seeing them go will be easy.

We will miss them terribly.  But like it or not we will also worry about them more than we might have once upon a time.

One of the things that changed for us on February 2, 2014, is that we stopped being the family that bad things just don't happen to.  Like most parents, Pam and I worried about our kids but never really thought something like this could happen to us.  If you are a parent, maybe you are the same way.

So, if you are continuing this journey with us -- at least in prayer -- please pray for Christian and Tommy and their safe travel and return from India.  And, please pray that Pam and I handle their departure well.

Some people have told me that they have focused a lot more on their own families since Jonathan's passing, and I am glad for that.  In fact, I hope that this tragedy will cause many people to refocus their priorities in life.  Above everything else, I hope that people will be drawn to, or closer to, God because of our loss.    

God bless,

John

The Dream is Over

Like millions of other people around the world, just under a year ago I read the tragic news that Pastor Rick Warren had lost his son.  I knew a little about Pastor Warren from his book "A Purpose Driven Life" and I knew a little about Saddleback Church -- having spent many years in Orange County California.  But I really knew nothing about the man.  I did not know that he had a wife named Kay or a son named Matthew.  For that matter, I knew nothing about his family at all.

Like so many others, my heart went out to Pastor Warren and his wife when I heard the news.  I remember briefly and feebly trying to put myself in their shoes.  I remember contemplating the fact that no one is immune from the tragedies of life.  And then, I went back to my life as usual.

Today, of course, I no longer have the luxury of experiencing passing sympathy for the Warren's, or for any other parent who has lost a child for that matter.  Pam and I are ourselves now, as they say, part of "a club no person would ever want to join."

Up to this point in my life, with rare exception everything has been relatively good -- or as we say in the Christian world "blessed."  Its not that there haven't been ups and downs, or even situations where I felt desperate or that life had gotten out of control.  But, every time there was a storm it eventually passed.  Almost without exception, I could always look back at the trials and conclude that there was never really anything to worry about in the first place.

The last ten years in particular have been nothing short of incredible.  I have seen God do amazing things in my life.  Even more, I think God has given me perspective on things like what "success" really means.

During these last ten years I successfully transitioned from lawyer to pastor (mostly).  I have been fortunate enough to have a wife who has not only been understanding, but has embraced God's strange call on our lives.  I have watched my kids grow into healthy and accomplished adults.  Among other things, Jonathan graduated from Baylor, Christian from Pepperdine University, and Dani has been going to school, doing Kung Fu with Pam (and more recently with Jonathan) and has fun working with dogs several days a week.

But more importantly, during this time rather than drift apart, our family has if anything grown closer together.  While all of our kids have had (and still have) great friends, our family has by and large remained central to their lives.

But everything changed on February 2, 2014.  Now, of course, we are facing a storm unlike any we have faced before.  And, I am afraid, it is a storm that will never completely pass.  I hate to say it, but in many respects the dream is over.

I am not saying that we will now be in a perpetual nightmare or state of angst.  I am not even saying that we will never experience joy again.  I am just saying that this loss is something that will NEVER heal completely -- no matter how much we would like to believe differently.

I happened to read two posts on Facebook today that really caught my attention.  One was from Kay Warren.  I will not repeat the entire post here, but part of her post was to say that at nearly the one year anniversary of her son's death she is nowhere close to "healing."  Another theme was that people should not expect her to heal quickly, or indeed for the old Rick and Kay to come back -- ever.  They are gone.

The support was utterly amazing. But for most, life never stopped – their world didn’t grind to a horrific, catastrophic halt on April 5, 2013. In fact, their lives have kept moving steadily forward with tasks, routines, work, kids, leisure, plans, dreams, goals etc. LIFE GOES ON. And some of them are ready for us to go on too. They want the old Rick and Kay back. They secretly wonder when things will get back to normal for us – when we’ll be ourselves, when the tragedy of April 5, 2013 will cease to be the grid that we pass everything across. And I have to tell you – the old Rick and Kay are gone. They’re never coming back. We will never be the same again. There is a new “normal.” April 5, 2013 has permanently marked us. It will remain the grid we pass everything across for an indeterminate amount of time….maybe forever.

The other post was from a woman who is seven years out from losing her son.  Her comment was specifically to me in response to one of my blogs.  Again, I won't repeat the entirety of what she had to say, but this is part of it.

I'm sorry you have to endure THIS pain and suffering...yes i said suffering...because that is what it is like. It has been a little over 7 years since my son was killed.....and I still struggle daily with my pain and with my grief. I'm sorry to say this, but it DOES NOT get EASIER, it only gets tolerable...and even THAT takes time and will take it's toll. I think I finally came out of the SHOCK just last year. The only advice I can give you is this....be PATIENT with yourself, your spouse and your other children....grief is mysterious....and needs TIME to process.

My point in all this is that from very early on I knew not only that life had changed, but that Pam, Christian, Dani and I were going to change as well.  It is far too early to know what that means, and I truly hope that the "new" me one day will be better than the old me.  I hope that somehow my faith grows through this, and that my perspective on life and its priorities will become more clear, more accurate.

But, in the meantime life is unpredictable.  Emotions come and go frequently and quickly.  In one moment I think I am doing well, and in the next I am overcome with grief, anger, frustration ....  you name it.  

Pam, Christian, Dani and I went out for frozen yogurt today.  We were having a nice time, when suddenly a pained expression appeared on Pam's face.  As she looked across the table at Dani and Christian, the thought jumped into her mind that the picture she was seeing was not right -- our family was broken and incomplete.  She began to talk with tears in her eyes about how perfect our family had been when it was the five of us.  It is a thought that all of us probably have daily.

I saw a blog the other day about how Christians should grieve.  The blog was well thought out and the author referred to plenty of scripture.  The problem, however, was that there was nothing in the blog to indicate that the author had ever experienced catastrophic loss in his life.  No offense, but from where I sit there is only one way Christians should grieve, and its a way that was never mentioned in that blog.  It is simply this:  as best they can.

 +Kay Warren 

+Rick Warren    

  

Donuts and Garland

Earlier this week Pam, Christian and I drove to the Concentra clinic in Garland where Jonathan served as the Center Operations Director.  Pam had looked at Jonathan's debit card statements and found where he regularly bought donuts for his co-workers, and we thought we would make a surprise visit.

We went to the donut shop first, and were greeted by a kind Asian women.  Pam asked the woman if she remembered a tall young man coming in to buy donuts for his office down the street, and the woman asked Pam if the young man she was referring to looked like Christian.  Pam said yes, and the woman smiled and nodded affirmatively.

Pam explained that we also wanted to buy donuts for Jonathan's office, but that we did not know what he normally bought.  The woman explained that she did not have enough of what he normally bought left, but  she offered up a reasonable substitute.  As the woman began to load a few boxes with kolaches and donuts, you could see from her expression that that she was beginning to contemplate why we were there.

After a few minutes the woman mustered the courage to speak the question that had been tumbling in her mind, and she asked simply "is he okay?"  After a moment of awkward silence, Pam responded "no," and that our son had "passed away."   The women's English was somewhat limited, and a puzzled look appeared on her face.  She said she did not understand, and again Pam said that Jonathan "passed away."  Still unsure of the meaning of the words, she said again that she did not understand, and I said the words that my wife had hoped could be avoided -- that Jonathan was dead.

A pained expression appeared on the woman's face, and Pam and I began to cry.  The woman had already tallied our bill, but grabbed another box which she also filled with donuts.  She then gave us our credit card back, refusing to accept any payment from us.

I had noticed when we walked into the donut shop that there was a Cross on the counter, and as we were leaving the woman who was helping us asked if Jonathan was Christian.  I answered that he was, and she said "he is in heaven then."  God does indeed reveal Himself in the most unexpected places.

We then drove a block away to the the Concentra clinic.  As we walked in we were immediately recognized, and several people on the staff there began to cry.  We had wanted to visit earlier, and they too, we discovered, where hoping we would come by -- they were hoping to maintain a connection with Jonathan.

The time we spent at the clinic was impossibly bitter-sweet.  It was incredible to hear again how important Jonathan had been in the lives of virtually every person in the clinic.  It was incredible to hear again the many acts of kindness our son had shown others.

Pam and I had only been to the clinic once --  on a Saturday shortly after Jonathan started working there.  He had been so proud to show us around the place, including his office.  But no one was there that Saturday, and now we were able to get a better sense of what his days there must have been like.

In my last blog I recounted the story of Jonathan telling me about his interview at Concentra.  (see A Vapor).  Pam, Christian and I were now standing in the very place where that interview took place, with two of the people who had been involved in the interview.  It turned out that the moment he feared may have cost him the job in fact was actually a "deal sealer" -- not a deal breaker -- for at least one of the ladies conducting the interview.

There are many more stories I could tell from that day, and perhaps I will be able to at some point.  But the words that really stuck with me came from the physical therapist, who obviously had been very close to our son.  She said she had been asking God "why?"  And then she said that it was as if God had sent them an angel, but only for a year.

Pam and I are so grateful to all of the people at Concentra Garland for their time, their remembrances and, of course, most of all for their love of our son.  We will be back.  I promise.

I wish that I could find the words to convey the variety and depth of emotion that I experience each day.  Perhaps some day those words could help another parent in our circumstance in some way.  What I can say is that despite the many people who are praying for us and supporting us, I often feel alone.  I wish my father was here to help me through this time.  I wish that Jonathan could tell me all about his new life.

The other thing I know is that as difficult as this journey is, it would be impossible without faith in Christ and without the support of an incredible church family.

God bless.  If you could continue to pray for our family it would be greatly appreciated.

The Broken Disciple

Today, sometime in the early morning hours, I had a dream.  I do not remember dreams very often, but I do remember the one from today vividly.

I was looking at the website for the Guerrero Dean Funeral Home, and specifically at the "Tribute Wall" for Jonathan.  I was concerned that there was a thirty day time limit for tribute walls on the site, and was trying to figure out how to copy all of the kind comments people have made over the last month about our son.

Suddenly, though, nervous energy shot through my entire body and the dream abruptly ended as I sat up in bed.  We, I think, have all had these kinds of experiences.  They usually come when we wake up concerned that we overslept and are late for an appointment, or when we suddenly wonder whether we sent out the critical email the day before or maybe we were concerned that we may have forgotten to send in our tax return on time.  You all know the feeling.

This time, though, the thought that sent the jolt of electricity running through my body was that this dream was birthed in reality -- Jonathan really was gone and the web site I was dreaming about really exists.  

I know that few people can appreciate the pain of losing a child.  It is certainly not an experience I would wish on anyone.

When my father passed away a couple of years ago I of course grieved for my loss.  I continue to think of him often, and particularly wish that he were here now to help me through this time.  But the loss of our son is radically different.  It is impossible to accept, and at the same time consumes almost every waking thought. 

Although it has been a month now, there are still times when I feel like my entire body is going to explode.  I want to scream, or maybe just run away as far and as fast as I can.  I feel frustrated and helpless.  Other times I just feel immense sorrow and grief.

In fact, just now the doorbell rang and my heart sank, as I knew it was the people coming to take back Jonathan's car.  I had spent a day with Jonathan last summer looking at used cars, and Pam another day looking at new ones.  Ultimately, Jonathan and Pam reached the conclusion that he could afford a new car.  I can remember me and Dani dropping the two of them off to pick it up -- Pam wanted to be there with him when he filled out the paperwork.

But now, all that Pam, Dani and I could do was watch out the front window of the house as the finance people drove the car away.  As Pam recalled the experience of shopping with Jonathan for that car, she began to cry.        

Despite my current emotional state my zeal for people to know Christ and, even more, to become more like Him in character, remains undaunted.  Indeed, it has never been stronger.  The problem is that discipleship is less about teaching through words and more about teaching through actions.  It is about living out God's heart -- which is a life of sacrifice and service to others.  And so, the question becomes how I can be focused on loving others when I am so all-consumed by the loss of our son.  

I have felt for some time now that God has been drawing me back to a basic truth about what it means to be a disciple of Christ.  I neither contend nor pretend that this idea is either new nor novel.  Rather, it is fundamental and basic.  Yet, it is an idea that seems, if not foreign to the modern church, at least lost in the heap what the modern church has become.  

The idea is simply this:  Discipleship means having three basic priorities life -- to love God with all we are, to love others with the infinite love of Christ, and to advance the gospel.  It is these priorities that should drive us in all of our human interactions.  I believe with all my heart that the struggle to pursue these priorities reflects the essence of the Christian walk -- it is the desire of the heart to be like Him in character.

Like faith, hope and love, these priorities remain when all of the clutter of church is swept away.  See 1 Corinthians 13:13.  When we get passed the production, politics and complexities of church, and focus on what it really means to be a disciple of Jesus, these three priorities may be all that really matters in life.

 1.  Put God First.

³⁷ Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ ³⁸ This is the first and greatest commandment. 

                                                                                                                                     Matthew 22:37-38.

I know, I know ... pretty obvious.  The greatest commandment, after all, is to love the Lord God with all of our heart, allof our mind, all of our soul and all of our strength.  Luke 10:25-28; Matthew 22:36-37.  In fact, at the end of the day I would argue that there is only one priority -- and this is it.  The other two priorities I will talk about flow from the first.  In fact, I believe that God gave us these other two priorities so that we could understand better what it actually means to love Him.


2.  Love People.


³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ ⁴⁰ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” 

                                                                                                                                    Matthew 22:39-40.

From this scripture alone it should be fairly obvious that "love" is extremely important to God.  In fact, the Bible is crystal clear that if you do not love others you do not love God.  It is just that simple.  If you have never really studied 1 John 4:7-21, you might want to.


⁷ Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. ⁸ Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. ⁹ This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. ¹⁰ This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. ¹¹ Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. ¹² No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

¹³ This is how we know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit. ¹⁴ And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. ¹⁵ If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. ¹⁶ And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. ¹⁷ This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. ¹⁸ There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

¹⁹ We love because he first loved us. ²⁰ Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. ²¹ And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.  

                                                                                                                     1 John 4:7-21

 If we cannot love God without loving others, it necessarily follows that it is extremely important that we understand what God means by "love."  When I was reading through my "Application Study Bible" some time ago I was struck by a footnote that said: "Real love is an action, not a feeling."  As I began to research what Bible scholars and pastors had to say on this subject, I found that some agreed with that statement, but that others did not.  In fact, while I found these same scholars and pastors struggling to dissect and understand the exact meaning of the two Greek words for love commonly used in the Bible -- "agape" and "phileo" -- I found little consensus on an exact definition for Christian love.

To me, the Bible could not be more clear in its instruction that true love is both a feeling and an action.  For that matter, true love is an attitude.  What I am suggesting is that the Holy Spirit seeks to instill in us an emotional desire -- a desire at the heart level -- to serve others; to see others succeed and grow even when there is no benefit to ourselves.  How do I reach the conclusion that real Christian love is both feelings (or emotions) and actions?  Again, because the Bible tells me so.

I could point to various places in the Bible to support this point, but for now let's just look at Romans 12.  First, we are told that our love must be "sincere" or "genuine".  And, to me, actions are actions -- they are neither sincere nor insincere.  The same verses tell me that I am to rejoice with those who rejoice and to mourn with those who mourn.  And, I just don't see how you can either rejoice with someone or mourn with them without feelings!    

⁹ Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰ Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. ¹¹ Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. ¹² Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ¹³ Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
¹⁴ Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵ Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. ¹⁶ Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.  

                                                                                          Romans 12:9-16 

This is not to say that there are not times when we have to love despite our emotions or feelings, and not because of them.  Let's face it, there are certain people who are just not that lovable.  And, there are times and circumstances that make it hard to love people on a heart level.

But I do believe with all of my heart that God makes it possible for us to have a general love for people -- a heart level kind of love for others.  I think that idea scares some pastors and scholars because emotional love is fickle and inconsistent.  And that is certainly true.

I also think, though, that love is a lot like faith.  Love is like faith first because both are fickle and inconsistent.  For most of us, our faith is challenged on a regular basis.  We have days when we feel like our faith can move mountains, and we have days when our faith is really tested.  But, if we work at it, in time our faith gets stronger and stronger.  I think our ability to love our neighbors as ourselves works the same way.  

Second, you have heard it said that "faith without works is dead."  Again, I think that love works the same way.  Sometimes love starts with feelings or emotions.  We may feel a sting in our heart when we encounter someone who is hurting, broken or in great need.  The question is "what do we do from there?"  Like faith, love does not mean very much if there is no action to go along with the feeling.  Love without action is, indeed, dead.

There is so much more to be said about love.  We are really just scratching the surface.  But let me end with this.  I really think that love -- or more accurately the absence of love -- is at the heart of the decline in church attendance in the United States.  I just don't think that buildings full of people who are just trying to do the right things, as noble as that might be, are very compelling.  But sincere love -- real caring, a genuine desire to share both your joys and your heartaches ... well, I think that kind of love can move mountains.
         
We are called to radically love others.  And, this desire to love must guide our thoughts, priorities and actions.

3.  Advance the Gospel.

We obviously live in a culture that puts an emphasis on individual happiness, individual fulfillment and individual rights.  Unfortunately for us, the Bible does not place the same kind of emphasis on these priorities.  For one thing, loving others means putting their interests ahead of our own.  See Philippians 2:3-4 ("³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.").

More to the point, true discipleship means putting our testimony -- putting the Gospel -- ahead of our own interests as well.  And, this can be a very difficult thing to do.

If you read through chapter nine of Paul's first letter to the Corinthians, you will find a discussion which sounds like Paul whining about the fact that he is not treated equally with the other apostles or the Lord's brothers.  It seems that the others were taken care of financially by the early church, and were even permitted to take their believing wives on missionary trips.  But, Paul and Barnabas are treated differently -- they had to have day jobs to support themselves.

Paul skillfully presents the argument that he too as an apostle has the "right" to be taken care of financially.  But, he then changes course, and offers this insight into his heart and priorities:  "¹² If others have this right of support from you, shouldn’t we have it all the more? But we did not use this right. On the contrary, we put up with anything rather than hinder the gospel of Christ." 1 Corinthians 9:12.  You see, Paul was far more concerned about the integrity of his testimony than he was about his rights.  If he had to preach for free so that the church in Corinth would know that his motives were pure, then that was a sacrifice he was more than willing to make.  He would "put up with anything" to advance the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

You see, being a true disciple of Christ often means giving up our rights, our comfort and our own worldly priorities in order to preserve our testimony and/or advance the Gospel.  It means, as Paul said, becoming all things to all people.  It means, at times, refraining from doing things we ourselves may think to be perfectly appropriate so as not to offend a brother -- or even better, a non-believer.  It means that sometimes we need to refrain from showing anger -- although we might have every right to be angry in a particular circumstance.  

¹⁹ Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. ²⁰ To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. ²¹ To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law. ²² To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some. ²³ I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.  

                                                                                             1 Corinthians 9:19-23.


 Interestingly, when these three priorities really begin to guide our lives our perspective begins to change dramatically.  We are offended less easily -- because we are less concerned about our own feelings than we are about what God is doing through us.  We are less worried about the things that all people struggle with in life -- because we are more concerned about the eternal implications of our actions than our current comfort.  We are less concerned about our "rights" -- because we are more concerned about the Gospel.  Our priority is to see as many as possible come to know Jesus -- regardless of personal cost.

I believe in these basic biblical principles with all of my heart.  My question is how to continue to live them out as best I can when my heart is so thoroughly broken?